Overcoming Fear of Judgment: How Learning Guitar Taught Me to Embrace Growth and Resilience
The Law of Cooperative Action At Work
Roughly one year ago, I decided to learn how to play the guitar. For me, this was a big deal because I have wanted to learn since I was a child. One Christmas, my parents even gave me a starter electric guitar and lessons.
My parents were both highly educated teachers. Their professional identity was based on helping children improve or “be better”. So, when I did well at something, any positive affirmation was always couched in a “so how can you do better?” question. No matter how good I was at something, I learned that if it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t good enough. For those of you who know me, you may be thinking, “this explains a lot!”
Back to the guitar…I stuck with it for about 6 months before I quit. I quit because I expected myself to be amazing at playing right away - I wanted the result of years of practice without the effort of years of practice. I felt that I needed to be successful at playing immediately to be seen by others as “good enough”. When I wasn’t great at playing - I was, after all, a beginner - I felt like I would be judged as a failure, and it was easier to quit than fear being judged!
It is easy to attribute this fear to the foolishness of youth. However, I suspect everyone reading this can think of at least one example where a fear of being judged negatively or of looking foolish in front of others has prevented you from being who you want to be or from trying something new that you have wanted to try.
Fast forward to last year when I decided to pick up a guitar and do what I was afraid to do as a child. What has changed? Is it truly that, now that I am older I am also wiser and therefore fear judgment and embarrassment less?
Nope!
The “older and wiser” notion is based on the idea that as we move through life, we gain knowledge and experience and therefore “know better” than when we are young. The problem is that just because we adults know in our minds that something shouldn’t bother us anymore - it still does. Fear of judgment by others remains one of top reasons adults don’t live their best life! Sound familiar?
Truly, my fear of being judged is still there despite being older and wiser…and even though I know - intellectually - that others are more concerned with being judged themselves than using their energy to judge me. So why am I able to actually enjoy learning my new musical skill despite not playing like Jimi Hendrix right away?
I think it is because of something else that happens to us as we get older, regardless of how “wise” we may be. In my case, at least, I find that I just don’t care as much about being embarrassed or judged by others. At this stage of my life (I am 48), I have been through a lot and tough moments and made it through to the other side. Sure, I have ended up bumped and bruised at times, but I made it past those difficulties none-the-less. My resiliency has grown and my sensitivities to what others say or think about me have waned.
I have earned the right to be who I want to be and do what I want to do - so long as my choices don’t adversely affect others. And, at 48, I like who I am and have learned to even celebrate myself. I have accomplished a lot of achievements and reached a lot of milestones in my life so far - things that those who may judge me, either in person or on social media, can’t even imagine!…And…I am guessing that if you were to objectively review your life’s work, accomplishments, and successes, you will feel the same way about yourself. You are far more amazing than you likely give yourself credit for!
Today, I also find it far easier to simply walk away mentally from the words and thoughts others may have about me. Maybe I just don’t have the extra energy needed these days to both live my life AND care about what others are thinking about how I live my life. More likely, my perspective on life and existence has changed after meeting countless people and traveling to many different places. My world is far bigger than it was when I was young, which means that the relative space the words and judgments of others take up within it is much much smaller. Think of it this way: when we are young children, our world is our parents (and perhaps a sibling or two). When a judgment comes from one parent - who happens to take up almost half of your world - that judgment makes a huge impact. However, suppose you are an author of a book that has sold 1 million copies, and 1 person hates your book. Your world is now considerably larger than when you were young and the relative impact that the one reader’s comments may have on you will be far smaller.
By not caring about the judgment, by walking away mentally, I am able to go about my life without conflict, both within and without. There is something to be said about “dancing like no one is watching” that is quite freeing.
Wisdom, as we get older, doesn’t necessarily mean we are smarter, but it can mean we have learned (a) what will make us happy, and (b) how to be happy regardless of what others think or say about us. Perhaps, given how long we spend worrying about what others think of us when we are younger, stopping this pointless course of action is the true definition of “being wise”….