A love relationship can take many forms. It can be a family relationship, a friendship, dating, living together romantically or marriage.
When we first get into relationship we do it for several reasons. Some of those reasons are financial, sexual, likes, dependence, and companionship and finally love. At the beginning of the relationship we tend to overlook little idiosyncrasies about the other person because we don’t want to blow it so we put up with things we normally would not tolerate. There is an old adage. I love you. I love you. I love you. NOW CHANGE! Then over the next months or years those little idiosyncrasies are now a big problem. They start out as a small stone in our shoe and end up to be a huge rock that we don’t know how to get rid of.
The other problem is that we change as well. We can become demanding, intolerant, picky or downright mean and nasty. We end up being as toxic to the other person as they are to us. Both sides are pointing the finger at each other believing that it is not our problem but it is their problem. If only they would change back to what I believe they should be then all will be good again. Keep in mind that your partner is probably saying the exact same thing about you.
We need to step back and do some very deep self-examination to figure out if in fact we are in the right relationship with the right person for the right reasons. Life is fluid and the reason we got into this relationship in the first place may have changed. The other thing to consider is that maybe we have changed or they have changed. In many cases we are not the same person that we were, say five years ago or twenty five years ago.
Here are the Six I Wills that will help you understand where the problem lies in your relationship and whether or not the relationship should end. Keep in mind that the decision is yours and only yours. That is the same with any conflict that we have in any relationship we are in. The conflict does not belong to the other person as they honestly believe they are right the same as you believe you are right. Because I can only control me and not the other person then it is logical that I am responsible for any conflict in my life.
So let’s get to it…
1-I will celebrate your right to be you.
In all relationships there should be three colors. We call that the Rainbow Metaphor. There must be a vibrant red (individual one) and a vibrant yellow (individual two) when those two colors are brought together, they make a vibrant orange (the relationship).
The problem is the red keeps telling the yellow what kind of yellow it should be based on the red’s perception of what the yellow should be not the yellow’s perception of itself. Again, I love you, I love you, I love you now change. When one person in the relationship is constantly sucking the colour out of the other person in the relationship, the orange is not vibrant any longer and the relationship is no longer viable.
If you cannot celebrate the other person’s right to be the colour they believe they should be, then it is time to end the relationship. The onus is on you to accept the other person’s color unconditionally, plain and simple.
2-I will not knowingly harm you.
When relationships falter and we are constantly lashing out with the main goal of harming the other person then we are at fault. We need to do some self-examination and remember how it feels when someone lashes out at us by doing and saying hateful things. Harming the other person because you feel harmed is no way to create cooperative action and build or heal a relationship.
Michelle Obama said, “When they go low, we go high.” If you are at a point where it pisses you off simply because of the way they are chewing gum, then you are the one with the problem. Saying and doing hateful things will get you nowhere except to a quick end of the relationship.
If the issues that you are pissed off about are really that important to you that the relationship needs to end, then so be it, end the relationship and move on. Otherwise simply shut up because that is who they are the same as you asking them to accept who you are..
3-I will tell you what I need, not what you are doing wrong.
One of the biggest contributors to conflict is when we tell the other person that what they are doing or what they have said is wrong. Keep in mind that whenever we do or say something we honestly believe we are right or that we are justified in what we did or said. So when we tell someone that they are wrong we are harming them especially if they believe they are right. That type of interaction only exacerbates the conflict and then no one wins.
If the other person is doing something that you believe is wrong or hurtful, first do some self-examination to see if you have simply misread what just happened. Also consider the fact that you may have inadvertently done something to piss them off. If you did do something then own up to it and apologize with no buts. A simple ‘I’m sorry’ will suffice.
Remember the old saying, “count to ten before you react”. Simply count to ten and ask yourself, is this something that I really need to address or am I the one with the problem. Let’s say it is something that needs to be addressed, then simply tell the other person how their actions or words have adversely affected you, not what they are doing wrong.
Most people, when not attacked, will simply say that they understand and that they will try to do better next time. A small minority will give you half the peace sign and tell you that that is who they are and that they will not change. Or they will try to deflect it back on you and will never take responsibility for their own actions. At that point we have a decision to make, can we live with this or not the decision is ours and ours alone. And that brings us to the fourth I will.
4-I will come from a place of if I can I will.
When we are in concert with the other person in a relationship we will do our best to accommodate their needs. When the relationship is in conflict we become stupid by saying things we would normally not say and doing or not doing things we would normally do or not do.
Always look for a balance and equilibrium to seek cooperative action without losing your sense of self. Your sense of self can only be defined by you and only you. The level of toxicity that you can tolerate is entirely your call and no one else’s.
If the other person asks you to do something for them even if they pooped on you yesterday, then assess whether or not you are going to lose your sense of self by accommodating their request. If granting that request is going to make you toxic, then don’t do it. Here is where more self-examination comes into play. Is it really that onerous to do what they are asking or are you just pissed off and want to get even? Being pissed off or wanting to get even only contributes to the conflict.
Gandhi said, “Justice is rendered quickest by giving justice to the other party first.” When you can come from a place of if I can I will, conflict will be minimized or even totally eliminated. Keep in mind that it is also acceptable to say no if granting the request will make you toxic.
5-I will build all relationships on mutual trust and respect.
This one is very simple. If you believe that you have the right to have power over the other person in the relationship and that you cannot respect or trust the other person, then simply put, the relationship is over.
Trust and respect is primary to a stable relationship and if that is missing then there is no relationship. If you believe that the other person is the one lacking the trust and respect, then you need to do some self-examination to see how you might have contributed to that.
Donte said that we don’t see the world as it truly is, we only see it from where we stand. It takes two people to have a conflict but maybe, just maybe you were the one who actually started the conflict in the first place. Think about it without deflecting back to the other person.
6-I will walk away and let it go.
If you cannot mentally accept the other person for who they are and what they are doing, then it is time to walk away. If you cannot let go of the past, then it is time to walk away. If the other person’s actions, ways of being, behavior or personality is making you toxic and they are unable to accommodate your needs then it is time to walk away.
When you walk away there cannot be any anger or hate or vengeance because just as you are the person you are, they are the person they are.
Let us sum it up this way.
If I can celebrate the person for who they are. If I am able not to knowingly want to harm them. If I can tell them what I need and not what they are doing wrong. If I can do my best to accommodate their needs. If I can respect them and trust them. Then I do not have to walk away as the relationship is still worth working on.
If I cannot celebrate who they are as a person. If I want to harm them. If I am constantly telling them what they are doing wrong. If I don’t want to accommodate their needs. If I don’t respect them or trust them. Then I need to walk away and let it go. The relationship is over and cannot be saved.
Keep in mind this does not mean that either person in the relationship is wrong or that the relationship has failed. It simply means that for whatever reason the relationship is no longer viable.
Remember adhering to the six I wills is not up to the other person as you cannot and should not have control over the other person. The six I wills is about your behavior, how you see the other person and how you interact with the other person. Simply put, if the way you chew gum pisses me off and you cannot or will not understand how that makes me feel then it is time for me to walk away. I repeat, that does not mean you are wrong because you cannot change or will not change. It simply means that ‘acceptance is not necessarily agreement’ and it is time for me to walk away. I will accept the fact that you are you and I accept the fact that I am me. There is no right or no wrong, it is simply the way it is, let it go.
You cannot force someone to change as no one can force you to change. The bottom line is simple. The other person does not have to stop chewing gum the way they want and you do not have to live with the way they chew gum if it annoys you to the point of toxicity. Each of you is simply being you.
The final step is up to you. Either you can embrace the six I wills and live with the other person in cooperative action or you leave the relationship and move on. Simple.